Hello World!

In work, I like things to be on record: decisions, commitments, disagreements. They provide structure, like how we can go and point to a piece of item and say "well we agreed about building it THAT way…​". I have a terrible selective memory that decides it would focus on storing irrelavent dubious facts (did you know that 79% of statistics are made up on the spot?!), a scattered mind that waves any fluid train of thoughts goodbye by the time words reaches my mouth (and obviously, to demonstrate the point, I lost the point I was trying to make), and a stubbornness (or conviction, depending on who’s describing it) that prompts me to stand my ground with little regards of the damage I can wreck (And this sounds like a run on sentence…​ much like my mind). So I write things down. Draw things out. Ask others to keep me in line. And make sure everything is written in stone so I don’t have to burden my mind. But, to create a system in your vision, you have to draw it out, so others can see and be convinced of its merits. So I speak up, and I rally, and when my point is made and changes start affecting and people start trusting my opinions, I lead.

And most of the time I have no idea what I’m doing.

If this sounds like it’s a confession - it’s not. Confession is an admission of guilt - that I hide mask my lack of direction while I lead. I don’t. I make sure those I work with know that fact. That I don’t have all the answers. That I am so out of my depths most times I have to rely on purely my wits and principles to make those decisions. That I can lead them to a wrong turn, and still I would make those choices in uncertainty and I would own up to it.

A lot of my mentors and managers tell me that a good leader is always composed, has answers, and nuture others. I agree to only the last point. A leader is supposed to be someone people confide in and look up to - someone they can put their faith in. But faiths comes with a hint of blind trust. That blind trust can calm a person enough to walk through the edge of a cliff with their eyes closed, but can also lead them right off it. I prefer to have them open their eyes, be concious of the decision they are making, and show them how to breathe.

I want those I lead to know I am not by any stretch of imagination perfect. I stand for principles and beliefs with so much conviction that I can be too stubborn to see myself wrong. I want them to know I’m usually not leading by choice but by necessity to create team dynamics worthy of those in it. I made myself vocal so I can speak up for those that aren’t willing; but I also made myself vulnerable, so I can encourage and promote feedback actively and hope not to end up as a tyrant.

That’s work. In life, I tend to think I’m quite a bit different.

I hate making choices. I would either spend hours and hours researching a laptop, or just pick the top seller’s choice for a TV. I rarely make any suggestions for activities or restaurants and elect to just spend time with my friends, whatever they want to do and wherever they want to eat. I am taught to appreciate what I have, and would be happy stuck in traffic listening to music (if I’m not late) or traveling the world (usually unplanned, since, as stated, I hate making choices). I have just as much opinion about the state of this world and things I believe in for this world, but I don’t have much of an interest to impose my views on others (though I love diving into how people think and arrive at their beliefs). And my belief system changes rapidly while I discover my ignorance and readjust my stereotyping (yes I do believe in stereotyping as it is our natural way of learning). However, with the internet though, whenever you write anything, whatever it is, becomes public record. Forever. And a flaming opinion defines who you are, not at the time of composition, but exists as you as what the internet knows you as, the summation of words in a snapshot of thoughts in your growth. And without any more exposure to you (mostly to the lack of efforts by the mass), that defines you in their thoughts.

Hiterto, I don’t write personal blogs.

This is Day 1.